Good Business Writing: Oxymoron, or just Moron?

One of my less pleasant daily tasks is the review and editing of various forms of corporate writing. Having come from (and hoping to go back to!) the world of academic writing, I still cling to old-fashioned writing standards like clarity, coherence, and, yes, even meaning. These are qualities sadly lacking in most of the business writing I've come across. Co-blogger Christopher has similar duties in his job, and one day last summer we collectively compiled a list of rules for better business writing. Having just reviewed my fourth incomprehensible "report" this morning, I've decided it's time to unleash that list on the world. So enjoy, and spread the love.

The Robinson-Tassava Guide to Better Business Writing

1. Fewer words are usually better.
2. If you haven't thought about it first, don't write it down.
3. Any misuse of the word "reference" will result in instantaneous death. It. Is. Not. A. Verb.
4. Writing is revising.
5. Typing is NOT writing.
6. Business jargon makes it harder to be understood, not easier.
7. Basic rules of grammar and syntax are not your natural enemy.
8. Conventions of English are your friends.
9. This does not include "I went their and saw there dog."
10. You fucking dolt.
11. There are these things? Called reference guides? Get one.
12. Don't break the rules unless you can fix them. (See Rule #11.)
13. Subject-verb-object. It's not goddamn Farsi, moron.
14. This means you have to know the difference.
15. Think twice about writing anything important if you can't identify all three of these: Webster's, Roget's, Fowler.
16. There is usually an inverse relationship between the number of graphics and charts in your document and the intelligence of the writing.
17. Starting any piece of prose with "Webster's defines..." is a capital offense.
18. Using British spelling does not make your document smarter.
19. Documents can't even be smart, asshole.
20. Confusing "affect" and "effect" will force a knowledgeable writer to affect your face with a brick, which may have effects on your sex life.
21. "Mentee" is not a word. No - I'm serious. It's not. I don't care what that dictionary says. It's just not.
22. In any document, you can cut out half the words.
23. And then probably half as many more.
24. Spellcheck can't spell. Grammarcheck doesn't know grammar.
25. Always be prepared to revise erroneous statements.
26. If you really want to be a good writer, there's no better training than reading good books. This category does not include anything by Robert Heinlein, Barbara Taylor Bradford, Bill O'Reilly, or anyone “as told to.”