Rant in F Minor

Frivolous Monday rant...like a shot gun, unfocused and dangerous.

Warning: This rant has no purpose and may offend. Additionally, this rant was completely freeform and posted with no edits.

Now on to our previously scheduled rant.

“Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.” We’ve heard it before, haven’t we? Dubbya backs you and then stabs you in the back. Just ask Hall of Shamer Raphie. Why do I bring this up? Because one of the best – and by best I mean worst – one of the best FEMA directors has now resigned. This appears to be a high-tech lynching of a failed International Arabian Horse Association leader. C’mon people, Dubbya lacks accountability, he lacks good judgment, he might be the worst – and by worst, I mean colossal fucking failure – the worst president ever. Bush campaigned on keeping us safe – and by safe that means thousands of Americans dead under his watch. Bodies strewn across the US and Iraq, reminds of that great – and by great I mean horrible – great singer Toby Keith. He drives a Ford, it’s a tough Ford, it’s a real tough Ford. and if you don’t love him, Ford (who’s selling Hertz) or Bush – by love I mean date rape and beat – love the USA and all that a commercial Nashville façade wants you to believe, you’re going to get his boot in your ass. Toby loves America like OJ loved Nicole. We’ll Mr. Keith what about Brownie? He has shown “Arabian” horses – taking jobs away from real, live American Quarter Horses. Are you going to take that shit? That’s the way the lawyers laugh at you, you idiot fuck (idiot fuck can apply to all named above, but generally, should not be used to address groups of people.) Do I need to provide a great charter, AKA, Magna Carta? No. No, I don’t because I don’t speak foreign. Well you know what? Fuck the Magna Carta – over-rated, just like the Gopher football program. Why should we limit absolute power? No king, nor president would ever abuse power, that’s why. God and Government should be one, that why they both start with the letter G. It’s a G thing. You know OG – original God . What’s up with the Latin (it sounds Persian/Terroristic)? Once England let the rule of the church go free from the monarch we had a bunch of funny, and by funny I mean strange, not ha-ha, religions. C’mon make my Jesus white and don’t give me any false Gods. But while we are participating in this revisionist intelligent theology, let’s make sure Jesus doesn’t look like a hippie. We can’t have a hippie as the son of God. Buddah, are you listening? How ‘bout you Allah? Don’t look at me that way Coke bottle.

Worse than the Magna Carta, the VMAs. Like weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, we can’t find a significant amount of videos on MTV. Yet, with the ignorance and arrogance of Cubs fans, MTV has the VMAs because if idiotic teens worry about who has more game – the Real World or Road Rules (damn the Miz is hot and Coral has some of the best tits this side of titsville) – they’re not going to care that this show celebrates something that doesn’t exist. This is my body, eat it…wait wrong rant… Rove must be programming at MTV. On a recent episode of TRL (yes, the extreme version of TRL Max) VJ Cheney says he’s “impressed with the significant progress we’ve made in showing two videos over the last month.” Following his packaged statement, an angry fan with a Pat Leahy shirt and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s yelled “go fuck yourself!” The VJ yelled that he must be a fan of Ludacris. And Suge Knight ends up in jail?!? The VMAs, damn it all! It’s like the Mary Tyler Moore stature in downtown Minneapolis. As most sane people know, the show was set in Minneapolis, but as a fictional show it didn’t really happen – anywhere, let alone Minneapolis. Yet the City of Minneapolis allowed the wiz-bang marketing staff of TV Land to put up a guerilla ad by placing the statue on Nicollet Ave. We have lots of heroes and people that have made real lives better and yet we celebrate a neurotic, goofy piece of fiction. Of all the strong women in the world we get to celebrate a woman who thinks tams are disposable.

Speaking of the Cubs they suck, their fans suck, their stadium is a health hazard and the Chicago Tribune is incapable of providing unbiased coverage of baseball’s greatest losers. Run a Pearson’s Product Moment correlation on Cub fans and VMA fans – I’m not sure what you’d find but you’ll sure as hell want to kill yourself after spending any amount of time studying either group.

While the Cubs suck and the Sox (as much as it pains me to say it) suck too, they don’t suck as much as Minnesota fans. Oh, you know I’m right and stop mumbling under your breath that I’m being mean…wait, don’t you kick that dog. Look at me. Make some eye contact, get a spine and figure out how to root for a team when they are winning and losing. Minnesota fans have seen two world series championships in the past 20 years. The White Sox haven’t won a first-round playoff series in over 80 years. And the Cubs…well, they still suck. However, people are still crying about the Twins. It’s not the team, it’s that atrocity of a venue. Then there’s the Vikings, no Super Bowl victories, but they’re a pretty decent club, overall. You haven’t suferred like Eagles fans or Bears fans – yes a superbowl for the Bears, but the past 20 years has been a steady decline. Back to the Vikings. Yes, most fans can’t tell you who the quarterback was ten years ago. Now, the venue’s not (too) bad for football, but just don’t host a college game there – there’s more blue (as in cheap plastic seats) than fans. I like the dome for football, as I usually see Iowa win there and it’s great for pumping in crowd noise. Like racisim, You can’t teach feedback…or something like that. When the Norske NASCAR circuit of Blaine, Anoka, and Fridley (the mullet brigades charging in on their Arctic Cats) takes a break, they can warm up in the dome, waste their limited disposable income on six dollar beers and then think about ways to beat their kids when they get home. Belt, fist or… you wanted a reason to get a new Muskie rod…yes, the Muskie rod. Thoughts of muskies turns to the watery streets and New Orleans. Why do poor people get so much time on TV. Find out what happens when seven levees start getting real… To bring it around, Brownie should be the Vikes new coach – he’s battled tested and when the going gets tough he shows horses. Mike Tice – nice, big dumb guy – he could be president if drank and did coke in college rather than play footbal. But now Red McAsshole sold the team, so you don’t need Tice around. Like Larry David in Season Four of Curb Your Enthusiasm, the only reason you’d leave a coach like that in place is because you’re trying to devalue your club for an easy sale. Mike Tice, perhaps the next to be partnered with Tucker Carlson. Tucker was undressed by a comedian and now is on MSNBC with “the only live cable news show on TV at 11:00.”

My point, dream big America…because reality sucks, unless of course it’s a collection of argumentative college hotties who may or may not hook up in their next competition.