MMR- Local News

The local news in Minneapolis is terrible – not First Ave terrible, but pretty bad. I’m sure this is the same in your city, town or province, as many of the news stations are part of one media conglomerate or another and utilize some of the same smarmy consultants. I don’t want to overgeneralize, as the MMR is dedicated to truth in all of its forms and tries to avoid hyperbole at all costs in all forms for ever and ever and ever until then end of time (plus a billion).

Sadly, there are two things that seem to be news worthy in Minneapolis the weather, a phenomenon that has apparently sprung up in the past seven years; and the other falls under the category of an investigation or undercover report. These are usually under the guise of the U-Team, the I-Team or the Sneaky Rat Bastards Team. Any time there is a commercial break, you’ll get a plug for one of the two things. “Next, on the ten o’clock news the most dangerous weather of the week/month/season/year – this storm will rape your wife, castrate your husband and send your kids to the circus – the Pederast Circus.” Or “watch as our cameras investigate something that could ruin your life… story next week on a very special report.” The weather is never really that severe – even if it was, they would cut into current programming like Law & Order: Special Ed/Behavioral Disorder. The same with the investigative report. To be honest the illegal trade of earthworms doesn’t change my life, nor does the late to the party coverage of such words as metrosexual and ubersexual. I understand metrosexual, but I really don’t understand the uber moniker some times it seams like the evolution of man and other times it seems like bears, but not really, as they’re not gay. It just seems like extreme marketing, like a grilled, stuffed man burrito at Taco Bell. Yo quiero ubersexual.

When is Matt Lauer going to admit that he has hair plugs? He’s not local, but he and Katie Couric’s colonics bother me – and they should bother you, stay tuned for a rant that will change your life. Now back to our current rant.

The investigative reports suck. One of the latest editions was about underage drinking by U of M hockey players. Is it right for minors to drink? No. Is it news worthy? Hell no. Surprise, we have found college kids drinking. That’s as news worthy as the subscription card that falls out of my Highlights magazine as I sit at the dentist’s office.


We so fetish weather, investigative reports and the readers that bring them to us that folks in the Twin Cities are actually concerned that a weather man is leaving or that two anchors with pimpalicious hair have left KARE-11 in the past three years. Who cares? They’re reading the fucking news. They’re reading the fucking weather! It’s not like they’re cracking the code on something. These two evils should combine (not in the self-congratulatory/masturbatory stories on the new Doppler radar system). I would love to see an expose on how the local weather pictures from around the state are not really submitted by people in that particular area. Even worse, that person doesn’t exist at all. It’s a ploy to keep more regional viewers. Gundy Gunderson on Big Beaver Lake doesn’t exist, nor did he ever take a picture of the Fall trees. “Next, the U-Team uncovers photo-weather-gate. In a perfect storm of media frenzy and rating desires. Our extreme approach, rooted in Twin Cities wholesome honesty shows how the other networks fake their weather photos. In this unbelievable report, you’ll see that they don’t broadcast from a real garden. You won’t want to miss this life-changing report. In fact, you better stay tuned until we broadcast this sordid story sometime next week.”

For the record, my ex loved the local news.