Know of a good test?

What’s a good, safe test for zombies or the potential victims of zombies? It needs to be safe, because I don’t want to hurt non-zombies. Is there a code for the use of undead humans in research? The reason I ask is that I’m not sure if some folks near me have had their brains eaten and are now brainless, zombie cubicle jockeys. I just hear a lot of strange noises that sound like the English language, but upon closer review can not be constructed in a manner that makes sense. Many are crying “impactful” – I don’t know if they are trying to have an impact on some task or project, or could they simply be crying out for help with their wisdom teeth? The then stumble towards my cube. To distract them, I tell them that “their numbers are all fucked up!” Upon hearing that they scurry back to cubes and offices, pointing fingers along the way. They moan and stumble. But I’m not sure if they are saying “scapegoat” or “PowerPoint.” Please help.

Also, how does one know that they aren’t a zombie as well? Maybe a zombie Derrida or a zombie Sartre could help. Do androids dream of electronic zombie sheep? 1400 ccs to freedom.