Emmy Awards vs. Priming My Garage

Emmy Awards vs. Priming My Garage (if you watched either, you lose)

Yesterday was cursed with seemingly compulsory pains in my ass. No, nothing had to be surgically removed…this time. I’m talking about a pain of another sort. The Emmy Awards love affair with "Raymond" and scraping and priming the garage. Both have to be done, I guess, but that doesn’t make me like it any more. More painful than moving a ladder to scrape paint off the highest point of the garage and then getting a splinter under my finger nail was watching Doris Roberts win another Emmy. What is that number 19 for her over the past 10 years of the show? Hey let’s give another one to Brad Garret while we’re at it, because being a big dopey guy requires lots of range. Garret has the range of paint scraper. Oh, and let’s give the show another Emmy, you know for the effort, because nothing’s funnier than Patricia Heaton’s hunger strike. In honor of this love fest, we can rename the show Emmys Love Raymond. Fuck, why are priming and painting separate tasks? That takes up a lot of freakin’ time. As much as I scrape the garage, the surface will never be as big, smooth and white as Marcia Cross’ forehead. As, I watch Patricia Arquette *win* for best dramatic stammering, I’m thinking I must be high from the sealing primer. She couldn’t have won, could she? The most acting that she’s done over the past year was that crying she did trying to tell us what to think about. Shut up and stay on script. Besides, Medium was a better show when it was called Millennium.

Why can’t priming and painting be one step? It must be a conspiracy by the paint industry. It’s like a lather, rinse, repeat sales program, except I don’t curse while I’m washing my hair. If there was a paint/primer in one, a Prell style praint, it should be called Felicity Huffman. Sure, not nearly as good looking as it’s prissy paint counterparts, but more than adequate for the job at hand. Huffman, only 18.99 a gallon and covers in one coat, after a few failed pilots. Tell ‘em Pat Summerall’s liver sent you.

Was Macy Gray drunk? Were those really the best TV theme songs of all time? I didn’t hear anybody hum the theme from the A-Team. Mr. T and Tony Shaloub beat boxin’ that theme would have saved the day. The best thing about the 57th Emmy Awards and Priming the garage, is that it’s behind me for at least a year. I hope that KITT will be able to host next year, might be a little more entertaining and talented than Ellen, but then again KITT didn’t kiss another car on prime time TV.

To close this crappy rant, or crant, I have to say that I think more people may have watched me prime the garage yesterday than saw Hugh Jackman host the Tony Awards. C’mon, really. He played a great wolfman in X-Men, but it still didn’t help me with the garage.