MMR: Spoonbridge & Cherry?!?!

The votes have been counted. My resources in Ohio and Florida tell me that Spoonbridge and Cherry is the clear winner for the Monday Rant.

C’mon look at this monstrosity?! Please, people, it sucks rocks. Ah, yes the rant could end there, but for those of you who don’t like the pragmatic elegance of the enthymetic "it sucks," I’ll continue. Like First Ave (or should I say Frist Ave? For you Bill Frist fans who love decrepit clubs and bad sculpture and terrorism in all of its forms), it represents so much that is wrong with America and is eyesore that we have to live with in Minneapolis. I’ll quickly go through the points as it angers me to think about this awful, awful statue.

A. It’s in a sculpture garden. A sculpture garden? That’s messed up. Who grows sculpture? This must be a left over from the communists’ public art campaigns carried out by Stalin. Art belongs in museums and board rooms, not outside where the masses huddle for toilet paper and rations of cheese. It’s taking up valuable space which could be used for a Starbucks or another loft. Those provide true value.

1. Look at the size of it? Who uses a spoon that big? Clearly it’s not found media. For all of you smartasses who want to talk about Paul Bunyan - Fine!!! Take it up to Bemidji or put it next to the Lucy Bunyan statue in Hackensack. It’s about as strange as those statues. Did you know that Lucy literally has junk in her trunk, as her base is made out of a dumpster. Perhaps that’s where such a spoon and cherry belong. In the garbage can my friends, in the garbage can.

7. The cherry defies physics. The only thing that can explain it is intelligent design. It is an affront to all of my Pastafarian friends who believe in FSM.

X. The bridge goes nowhere. That’s great symbolism for the city. Hey let’s take this bridge. Ok, where does it go? To the end of that cherry. To the end of that cherry, indeed – right to the pit.

II. Who rests their spoon on water? Is this the messiah of spoons? Is it walking on water? Is it a Jesus spoon? If so, there should be fishes and loaves rather than one, stupid, physics-defying cherry.

5. Finally, it’s way too close to First Avenue and those people are mean. They might cover it with all of the other rotten fruit that once rested on the tip of the spoon. Yeah, I saw oversized boysenberry there in ’88 and it rocked.

As you can see my logic is flawless. Like The Matrix, I wish there was no spoon.