The Essence of Language

From a looooong list of "Essentialist Explanations" of languages and their speakers:

English is essentially bad Dutch with outrageously pronounced French and Latin vocabulary.
--Eugene Holman

English is essentially Norse as spoken by a gang of French thugs.
--Benct Philip Jonsson

English is essentially Low German plus even lower French minus any sense of culture.
--Danny Weir

English is what you get from Normans trying to pick up Saxon girls.
--Bryan Maloney

And my favorites:

Finnish is essentially bastardized Hungarian.
--Ferenc Valoczy

Finnish is essentially Japanese spoken with an Italian accent.
--John Davies

Finnish is essentially Turkish in the snow.
--Mike Taylor

Sámi is essentially Finnish spoken with a lisp and a sore throat.
--Benct Philip Jonsson

Ffiinnnniisshh iiss eesssseennttiiaallllyy aa llaanngguuaaggee ffoorr ppeeooppllee wwiitthh ddoouubbllee vviissiioonn.
--Clint Jackson Baker

Finnish is essentially Hungarian spoken while drunk, freezing, and morose.
--Dan Seriff

Finnish is essentially Swedish with all sounds randomly shuffled.
--Egbert Lenderink

Estonian is essentially mumbled Finnish as written down by a German.
--Philip Newton

(Link via a great post on linguistic essentialism on Language Log.)