2007: A Year in Fake Deaths

From Metrodad:

FATHER'S PATIENCE, 3, DIES IN MANHATTAN

Having survived a torrent of toddler tantrums, a father's patience quietly passed away this week. The cause of death was last night's dinner.

Given the choice between macaroni-and-cheese or chicken tenders, the father's daughter communicated her preference for chicken tenders. Immediately upon seeing said chicken tenders, the father's daughter repeatedly screamed "No! I want mac-and-cheese!" The toddler's father, in a humiliating act of contrition due to a long day at the office, ignorantly decided that peace and quiet were of paramount importance that evening and duly cooked up a plate of macaroni-and-cheese. When proffered the mac-and-cheese,the toddler then proceeded to cry in the whiniest voice known to mankind, "I don't want mac-and-cheese. I want donuts!"

It was at that precise moment that Father's Patience suddenly died. There were no survivors.

WHITE APPROPRIATION OF BLACK CULTURE, 82, DIES

White People's Appropriation of Black Culture officially died August 22 on the set of America's Got Talent in Los Angeles. It was 82 years old. The cause of death was host Jerry Springer beatboxing before a national audience, then calling UB40's "Red, Red Wine" the greatest reggae song of all-time while bumping fists with a contestant.

Although White Appropriation of Black Culture has a long and storied past, it had previously been able to survive repeated attacks by Vanilla Ice, Elvis Presley, Eminem, and my annoying 15-year-old white neighbor in Tribeca who has dreadlocks, wears his jeans below his ass and thinks he's from the 'hood. However, upon seeing Jerry Springer's performance on national television, white people from around the world unanimously made the decision to instantly execute the White Appropriation of Black Culture.

White Appropriation of Black Culture is survived by Chinese Tattoos on Sorority Chicks, Naming Sports Teams After Native American Stereotypes, and Corporate Mascots on TV Speaking with Funny Mexican Accents.

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