Punchlines

The dude behind Defective Yeti is funny, but his readers are funnier. After a get together, his host offered to warm up some leftover pizza for him.

"No, thanks," I said, and then--because it's my standard line in situations like that--added, "I like my pizza the way I like my women."

I didn't have a punchline in mind when I said it. But, having set the joke up, I had no choice but to follow through. "Cold ... and a few hours old."

That's good, but his readers' alternate punchlines are ever better. Click through to read (slightly naughty) ones as good as these three:

• "Patted down with a napkin and folded in half"
• "Hand tossed."
• "Liberally endowed with Italian Sausage."

Ah, Academe

It must be almost fall on campus: the grounds crews here at Carleton are sprucing everything up, the sports teams are back and practicing, and the college guides are hitting the bookshelves.

The big one, America's Best Colleges from US News & World Report, came out on Monday, and though everyone says they don't care about the rankings, that the ranking methodology stinks, that rankings are meaningless, etc. etc., everyone here at Carleton got an email last week - before the magazine was even for sale - bragging about Carleton's ranking in the national liberal arts college list. Being the quiet, unassuming type, I won't state that number, though it rhymes with "hive." And far be it from my to libel other schools, but c'mon: who couldn't rank number #1, 2, 3, or 4 with a billion-dollar endowment?

And but so, the Best 366 Colleges, from the Princeton Review, just came out, too. This guide provides a more nuanced or idiosyncratic look at colleges, one which never fails to be interesting. Here are the takes on my current employer and my undergrad alma mater:

Carleton College
#13 School Runs Like Butter (quality of administration) (#1: Princeton University)
#18 Their Students Never Stop Studying (#1: Reed College)
#11 Best College Radio Station (#1: St. Bonaventure University)
#13 Everyone Plays Intramural Sports (#1: University of Notre Dame)

Macalester College
#13 Diverse Student Population (#1: Temple U.)
#1 Gay Community Accepted (#1!)
#5 Lots of Race/Class Interaction (#1: Wesleyan College)
#15 Students Ignore God on a Regular Basis (#1: Lewis & Clark College - this whole category owned by liberal arts colleges)
#3 Most Politically Active (#1: The George Washington University)
#13 Students Most Nostalgic For Bill Clinton (#1: Warren Wilson College - who?)
#19 Best Campus Food (#1: Virginia Tech)
#1 Best Quality of Life (#1!)
#19 Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians (#1: Hampshire College)
#9 Great College Towns (#1: Eugene Lang College--The New School for Liberal Arts - duh, it's in Manhattan)

I'd be interested in seeing what readers' searches turn up for their schools. (You have to register to search, but it's a painless registration process and searching is easy.)

100 Words

A while back, Merriam-Webster's released a list of the "100 Words Every High School Graduate Should Know." I'm twice as old as I was in high school, so I looked it over. Not too startling or awe-inspiring a list.

Then the guy behind Defective Yeti worked up a neat little quiz in which you can compare your definitions of the hundred words with M-W's, and of course get a score that shows the world how smart or stupid (or just non-verbal) you are. You can test yourself against anywhere from 15 to 100 of the words. I tried all 100; my results are in the comments. It's time-consuming, nerdy fun.

Figures.

Your Score: Arthur Dent

DON'T PANIC

You are constantly humbled by your universe, your world, and (let's face it) probably your toothbrush. There is one small consolation, however. No one knows the value of an Altairian Dollar quite like a hitchhiker and no one knows the value of life quite as well as you.

Link: The Hitchhiker's Guide Personality Test written by donquixotic on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

I Forgot the Title of this Post

The BrainFitness Channel has a funny little test of your short-term memory, flashing up 15 words for a second each and then asking you to recall as many as possible. I remembered 7 (the first few and the last few), which is apparently about the same as the average 20-year-old.

Great: that means that this 34-year-old parent has memory just as good as a drug-and-sex-addled near-teenager.

Things That Are Currently Irritating the CRAP Out of Me

1. That commercial for Boniva, the monthly calcium supplement that Sally Field is a spokesperson for. That part where she talks about her "friend" who "has to set aside time once a week" for her calcium supplement, while Sally just has to take Boniva monthly? FUCKING HELL. Are you kidding me? A) Call me crazy, but taking a pill once a week doesn't really seem to me to be such a huge burden, and B) personally, I'd be more likely to remember to take a weekly pill than a monthly one. Either way, it's a goddamn stupid marketing technique.

2. That commercial for 21st Century Insurance, whose campaign is centered around their claim that "we're drivers, just like you." Uh, yeah. And that distinguishes you from other auto insurance companies how, again? What, the good folks at Progressive are limited to skateboards? The Geico Gekko's a bicycle-only lizard? The State Farm people are driving tractors to work? Give me a fucking break.

3. Trans-fats: why do they have to be so damn BAD for you, when they taste so damn GOOD?

This concludes today's episode of Things That Are Currently Bugging the Crap Out of Me. Over and out.

The World, Listed

If 50 states in 10 minutes isn't hard enough, try 192 countries in ten minutes. (192 because that's how many countries are in the United Nations.)

I got 128, exactly two thirds. The big countdown started to throw me as it got under 2:30, and I faltered by abandoning my mental tour of the globe, which led me to miss some no-brainers, even in Europe. (Strangely, I thought of a bunch of missed countries by thinking about recent celebrity adoptions: thanks, Madonna and Angelina!) On the other hand, the test requires you to know exact names and spellings ("The Bahamas" rather than just "Bahamas"?); fuzzier logic would be good.

Alphameme

Tagged by Shabby Doll.

A- Available or single? No.
B- Best friend? Pam
C- Cake or pie? Cheese cake – it’s part cake, it’s part pie, and it’s all good.
D- Drink of choice? Beer IPA (Bell’s Two Hearted or Summit’s IPA) or an Arnold Palmer.
E- Essential item? iPod on a road trip or a long flight.
F- Favorite color? Blue.
G- Gummi bears or worms? Bears.
H- Hometown? Rockford, IL.
I- Indulgence? White Sox games.
J- January or February? January…started dating Pam in January and it just has an optimistic element – you come out of the holiday swirl to realize the days are getting longer.
K- Kids/pets and names? Daughter: Fi, 9.5 months. Cat: Oliver, 10.5 years. Dog: Baxter, 7 years.
L- Life is incomplete without…? Conversations about pop culture and politics.
M- Marriage date or other important anniversary? July 27, 2002. (marriage)
N- Number of siblings? One brother.
O- Oranges or apples? Oranges all the way. It might be close until you bring in juice factor -- game, set, match.
P- Phobias/Fears? Genuphobia.
Q- Favorite quote? The complete Lee Elia tirade from April of 1983, or a slightly modified version of Paul Newman in Slap Shot "Fuck him. He's an ape. I knew it would piss the shit out of him."
R- Reasons to smile? Late night, slap-happy conversations with Pam…especially the ones that involve the (clearly human attempt at) the sound fx of a phone hanging up followed by a dial tone; and bizzaro conversations with friends at the 'dog.
S- Season? Fall.
T- Tag 3 people? Kyle (if he still posts), Abe Lincoln (if he still posts) and The Bacon Patriot (if he still posts).
U- Unknown fact about you? I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
V- Vegetable you hate? My friends will laugh because sometimes I seem a bit picky about food. Not really, there are just a few items that make me want to vomit, but they’re not vegetables – I hate olives (a fruit), basil (an herb), and hazel nuts (a nut).
W-Worst habit? Thinking out loud.
X- Xrays you’ve had? Head, wrist, fingers, ankles, foot, teeth, jaw, collar bone, chest.
Y- Your favorite foods? Most anything that is spicy and/or goes well with beer – Buffalo wings, pizza, Vindaloo, Polish or Ukranian Sausage. Non-beer-related elements include French Toast, cheese cake.
Z- Zodiac? Aries. Very, very, Aries.

Architectural Art

This is an especially rich collection of great pieces of architecture, as chosen by two structural engineers. The list mixes some structures that are practically cliches now (the Golden Gate Bridge, the Empire State Building) and some totally unexpected ones (Machu Picchu, a few obscure but amazing buildings). I was astounded to learn that the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul was built in just six years.

Monday Lists

I'm too busy to write real posts, so here are two lists:

10 Most Bizarre People on Earth

David Icke, is a former professional football player, BBC television sports presenter, and British Green Party national spokesperson. Since 1990, he has been what he calls a "full-time investigator into who and what is really controlling the world.": reptilians.

He dresses only in turquoise and sustains that the world was ruled by a secret group called "The Elite": a race of reptilian humanoids, known in ancient times as the Babylonian Brotherhood, and that many prominent people are descended from them, including George W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth II, and Kris Kristofferson. He believes that descendants of the reptiles engage in child molestation and Satanism.

Bad Lingo: Blog-Media Clichés

Best. [ultimate thing or experience.] Ever/Evar.
Likely originating in the reverse ("worst [x] ever"), this cliché still has a deathgrip on the media, in all its sincere and sarcastic permutations. It's usually taken to mean a state of permanent, perpetual bestness, which is of course unsustainable. Sooner or later, something will not be the best [x] ever, and this phrase is a perfect example.

[undesirable counter-example], not so much.
The punchline that ends a thousand million columns and blog posts. Weak as the lightest of lite beers, or the puny farts you get from such beer.

Geez, tell me something I DON'T know.

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(via Kathy)