Stinkiest Onion Piece Ever

Horrible. It would only have been horribler if they worked in a Christmas-spirit angle:

ALBANY, NY—In one of the most merciful disasters in recent years, a Greyhound bus traveling from Rochester to Albany, NY skidded into a ditch Tuesday, killing a dozen deadbeat fathers and penniless addicts, and putting nearly 20 more hapless bastards out of their misery.

According to Greyhound officials, the fatal crash occurred less than an hour after passengers gathered their pathetic belongings and dragged what little hope they had left onto the despair-soaked bus. Emergency crews called to the scene described the remains of the victims as "slightly more lifeless than they were before the accident."

"This is by far the saddest thing I've ever witnessed," said head rescue worker Charles Rabnett, referring to the sea of fast-food wrappers, losing lottery tickets, and scorched corpses that littered the crash site. "We've done our best to contact family members and loved ones, but so far we've only been able to reach four parole officers and 10 AA sponsors."

Added Rabnett: "Dear God, what a terrible waste of my time."

...

No survivors were reported following the accident. In addition, initial surveillance of the wreckage seems to indicate that those who managed to pull their world-weary bodies out of the overturned bus, gave up on their wretched existence within minutes. According to paramedics, it is likely that many of the casualties had suffered during the crash, and, if not then, for years earlier...

"It's hard to believe that something like this could even happen," said Albany resident Carl Robinson, who, since losing his home to a fire earlier this month, has been sleeping in the city's dilapidated bus station. "To know that life, no matter how dreadful or hopeless, always has a chance of coming to an end—it's so inspiring."

No Really

Someday soon, I'll blog more frequently again, and choose a topic other than Radiohead, but for now, check out Pitchfork's review of In Rainbows, paying particular attention to the rating.

But do I have to move to South Carolina to vote for him?

So by now I'm sure you've heard that Stephen Colbert has announced his candidacy for President of the US in South Carolina. Better yet, he's running as both a Democrat and a Republican, so there's truly something for everyone in this campaign. Thank god THAT decision is over. Now if I could just decide what to wear tomorrow ...

Poker? You Brought 'Er!

I can't figure out an artful way to blog this, so I'll do it artlessly:

James Fallows of the Atlantic took a trip to the remote western provinces of China.

After trekking for hours across a stark, lunar desert landscape awesome in its harsh beauty, our bus rolled into a former Silk Road waypoint where today's craftsmen still specialize in hand-knotted rugs. We passed through a beaded curtain to see, on the place of honor on the main wall, this:

Kathy Griffin: Comedic Genius

Along with PZ Myers, I think Kathy Griffin, a self-professed "D-list" celebrity, is actually pretty damn cool. She won an Emmy for her reality show, and then,

In her speech, Griffin said that "a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus."

She went on to hold up her Emmy, make an off-color remark about Christ and proclaim, "This award is my god now!"

Even better, the "off-color remark" was apparently, "Suck it, Jesus." He can't of course, being 2,000 years dead.

(Via Pharyngula.)

Where Are the Super-Theys Now?

In the Morning News, Matthew Baldwin brings us up to date on some lesser-known superheroes:

Earworm
Motto: “Who let the dogs out?”
Fifteen Minutes of Fame: Single-handedly defeated M.U.R.D.E.R., Inc., by getting “YMCA” stuck in their heads, leaving them unable to concentrate on their plans for world domination.
Where is she now? Overcome by her own powers, Earworm now resides in Apsis Asylum, when she spends her days rocking in a corner of her cell and humming the theme from Tetris.

Exploding Lad
Motto: “Welcome to Boomtown!”
Fifteen Minutes of Fame: When Blue Oblivion opened a stargate in Ohio, allowing hordes of alien Soul Ticks access to our planet, it was Exploding Lad to the rescue. Rushing to the scene, he used his metahuman ability to detonate violently, destroying the portal and saving America.
Where is he now? Strewn about the Greater Akron area, as he belatedly discovered his power to be a one-time-only kind of deal.

Be sure to read to the bottom, where you can learn about the Decider.

When Bad Things Happen to Tiny Artworks

I love the little installation-art pieces created by "Slinkachu," who shows off photos of his stuff at Little People. His most recently blogged piece is an actual gallery show, which is both fun to examine (through the photos) and a cool comment on gallery-going. I won't ruin the surprise by stealing any of his photos from the site; just go and check it out.

Smells Like the Onion

"We have here an entire look, a fully formed lifestyle, flowing directly from that navy blue V-neck sweater." Fuckin' right, you do.

Location, Location, Location

15 Badly Placed Ads:




On Oddee, via AdFreak.com.

2007: A Year in Fake Deaths

From Metrodad:

FATHER'S PATIENCE, 3, DIES IN MANHATTAN

Having survived a torrent of toddler tantrums, a father's patience quietly passed away this week. The cause of death was last night's dinner.

Given the choice between macaroni-and-cheese or chicken tenders, the father's daughter communicated her preference for chicken tenders. Immediately upon seeing said chicken tenders, the father's daughter repeatedly screamed "No! I want mac-and-cheese!" The toddler's father, in a humiliating act of contrition due to a long day at the office, ignorantly decided that peace and quiet were of paramount importance that evening and duly cooked up a plate of macaroni-and-cheese. When proffered the mac-and-cheese,the toddler then proceeded to cry in the whiniest voice known to mankind, "I don't want mac-and-cheese. I want donuts!"

It was at that precise moment that Father's Patience suddenly died. There were no survivors.

WHITE APPROPRIATION OF BLACK CULTURE, 82, DIES

White People's Appropriation of Black Culture officially died August 22 on the set of America's Got Talent in Los Angeles. It was 82 years old. The cause of death was host Jerry Springer beatboxing before a national audience, then calling UB40's "Red, Red Wine" the greatest reggae song of all-time while bumping fists with a contestant.

Although White Appropriation of Black Culture has a long and storied past, it had previously been able to survive repeated attacks by Vanilla Ice, Elvis Presley, Eminem, and my annoying 15-year-old white neighbor in Tribeca who has dreadlocks, wears his jeans below his ass and thinks he's from the 'hood. However, upon seeing Jerry Springer's performance on national television, white people from around the world unanimously made the decision to instantly execute the White Appropriation of Black Culture.

White Appropriation of Black Culture is survived by Chinese Tattoos on Sorority Chicks, Naming Sports Teams After Native American Stereotypes, and Corporate Mascots on TV Speaking with Funny Mexican Accents.

More.

Punchlines

The dude behind Defective Yeti is funny, but his readers are funnier. After a get together, his host offered to warm up some leftover pizza for him.

"No, thanks," I said, and then--because it's my standard line in situations like that--added, "I like my pizza the way I like my women."

I didn't have a punchline in mind when I said it. But, having set the joke up, I had no choice but to follow through. "Cold ... and a few hours old."

That's good, but his readers' alternate punchlines are ever better. Click through to read (slightly naughty) ones as good as these three:

• "Patted down with a napkin and folded in half"
• "Hand tossed."
• "Liberally endowed with Italian Sausage."

Idiots Getting Some on the Side

A Texas man is suing 1-800-Flowers for $1 million after a thank you note from the web florist outed him as an adulterer. Leroy Greer specifically asked 1-800-Flowers not to send him a receipt for the cuddly stuffed animal and dozen long stemmed roses he ordered for his mistress. Despite his request, 1-800-Flowers sent a thank you note to his house several months later, prompting his wife to ask who the hell got flowers. She called 1-800-Flowers, which gladly faxed her a copy of Leroy's order form that included the following message meant for his mistress: "Just wanted to say I love you and you mean the world to me! -Leroy."

Leroy, you are an idiot. And a scumbag.

Reaction on the Street

The Onion's man-on-the-street provides his reaction to the passage of the new warrantless surveillance law:

You won't need to eavesdrop to hear this: I voted for you a**holes because you said you were against sh*t like this.

I Thought YOU Were Steering!

This shot from a great collection of container-ship accidents makes me feel lots better about my day.


(via Boing Boing.)

Accio Parenting Skills

This is pretty much tewtelly ass-ome:

Parent Hex: Harry Potter Spells for Parents

* Cocodissimulatio Charm: Causes any food to taste like chocolate.
* Mucosus Recessum Charm: Causes nasal excretions to withdraw into a person’s nose.
* Ursinvenio Charm: When applied to a teddy bear or other stuffed animal, causes it to emit a loud growling sound when lost.

There are more. Go read the whole post.

Why Do the Crows Hate Sweden?

From The Local:

In a turn of events that sounds like it was the product of a comedy animator's imagination, a crow managed to set fire to a field outside Enköping.

First, the crow flew into an electricity cable. Then, after a nasty electric shock the bird burst into flames, burning to death. Still ablaze, the dead crow dropped to earth, landing in a pile of hay in the field in Österunda, outside Enköping , 80km west of Stockholm. The hay quickly caught fire and the blaze spread to the whole field before four fire engines arrived to put a stop to the infernal farce.

"I've never seen anything like this before," said fire officer Per Gustafsson to local newspaper Enköpings-Posten. Nobody was injured in the blaze, which destroyed around 250 square metres of crops.

ROTFL

From Defective Yeti, an excerpt from the transcript of the CNN / Youtube Democratic Debate:

QUESTION: My question is: We have a bunch of leaders who can't seem to do their job. And we pick people based on the issues they that they represent, but then they get in power and they don't do anything about it anyway... How are you going to be any different?

SEN. CHRISTOPHER DODD: omg that video was totaly gay

SEN. BARACK OBAMA: Shut up Dodd thats offensive when u say gay like that.

FORMER SEN. MIKE GRAVEL: Check out my vids at youtube.com/user/gravel2008.

REP. DENNIS KUCINICH: to answre your question bush is a facist who only wants more power. hes not even the president you knopw, cheny is. i would b different because i would have a vice presidant that doesnt just try and control everything from behind the seens/

SEN. HILLARY CLINTON: CHENEY CANT BE PRESIDENT BECUZ THE CONSTITUTION SAYS THE VICE PRESIDENT IS NOT THE PRESIDENT WHY DON'T U TRY READING THE CONSTITUTION SOMETIME??????!!!!

KUCINICH: i have read thwe consititution which is probably more than youve ever read except maybe the back of a ceral box.

CLINTON: AT LEAST I EAT CEREAL AND NOT GRANOLA LIKE A HIPPY!!!!!!!

Read the whole thing: killer.

The Internet Has Crashed

Neocomedy

I hope we can all agree that the neocons are our enemies. I hope, further, that we can all agree that it's good to make fun of them. Stealing from Andrew Sullivan's blog, Scott Horton at Harpers has put up a few jokes:

Q: What do you get when you cross a neocon with a lemming?
A: Peace.

Q: How many neocons does it take to screw in a light bulb.

A None. God won’t let their light bulbs go out. And it’s an impertinent question.
OR
A. None. George Bush predicts the light bulb will be fully capable of changing itself within 3 months.

Listiness

One of the great things about the Internet is finding great sites that you've never seen before, and then having the pleasure of reading all the previous posts. Case in point, the blog "A Play A Day," written by Brendon Etter, a member of the staff down here at Carleton. He's done writing a play a day, and on to great lists like this one:

Important Reasons Why You Must Stop Having Sex Right Now1. Scientists have linked sex with children. You must stop linking sex with children, pervert.
2. A customer just walked in the front door of the bakery.
3. You can only remain underwater for a few seconds at a time.
4. The director said "cut."
5. Just like epilepsy and paranoid schizophrenia, it may lead to frighteningly uncontrolled muscle spasms and vocalizations.
6. Because chances are good your cellmate is not truly your soulmate.
7. He only paid for a twenty-minute session.
8. Need to reframe the shot and make sure the flash is on.
9. Ran out of batteries.
10. Must get in line for holy communion.
11. Your "girlfriend" popped.
12. May cause an outbreak of painful childbirth in men and women everywhere.
13. Excessive blistering.
14. While the third time's the charm, the three hundred and thirty-third is somewhat less so.
15. If you stop now, you may still be a semi-virgin.
16. Because that's not what the zoo needs volunteers for.

Or this one:

Evidence That My Computer Is Having An Affair
1. Sometimes it carries out millions of my calculations every second like it would really rather be somewhere else carrying out millions of more exciting calculations every second.
2. It remembered my birthday, but only after I put the date into its calendar application like fifty times.
3. Frequently complains to me that it wants to abort functions... our living, breathing, unexecuted functions!
4. Mysterious processor log entries documenting data uploads and downloads that I know aren't mine.
5. Newly apathetic performance on programs that we used to love to operate together.
6. It swears it's just the cooling fan kicking in, but I can tell that it's sighing.
7. My hard drive feels like it's being read in a cold, perfunctory, almost-automated fashion.
8. After returning home unexpectedly early from a business trip, I found it, somehow, had already been turned on.
9. Screen saver seems like it's over-compensating.
10. I'm finding new bookmarks in my browser linking to articles about the benefits of being in an "open source" programming relationship.
11. When I select "shut down", it happens immediately, but, sometimes, when I select "restart", it pauses as if weighing its options.
12. Seems like it wants nothing to do with my flash drive any more.