McSweeney's Lightens the McMood

Andy Braaksma: “Taking My Personal Demons out to Lunch at the Olive Garden.”

... Look, I'm just saying that I'd like a little stability in my life. I can't remember the last time I've had a girlfriend for more than a week or two. God bless you, Fear of Commitment, you've saved my ass a few times ... Yeah, the one with all the cats, she was a psycho. That was a good call. But still, I've probably pushed away more than my share of winners, and it's not like I'm knee-deep in the ladies. Yes, I do think that's at least partly your fault, Crippling Lack of Self-Confidence. I appreciate your honesty...

Ross Murray on “The 4-Year-Old's Workday.”

9:25 a.m. Spend hour lining up office supplies on desk in perfect straight line. Toy with idea of sorting them by color but get distracted by imaginary conversation between stapler and three-hole punch. Complicated scenario ensues involving a lion, a puppy, and the mommy Hi-Liter kissing the daddy Hi-Liter.